Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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