i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
