I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
