i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
splinters make it hard to masturbate
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!