I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
