I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
