I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
