I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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