So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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