Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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