Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
