I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Couch. On fire.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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