just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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