I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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