She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
