i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
