The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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