Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
