Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
