So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
