Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The best revenge is premature balding
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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