I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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