just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
