I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
