As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
