first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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