1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm going to jail i love you
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
