Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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