I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
