come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
