good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
