I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
