she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
