do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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