Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Less talking, more tequila
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Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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