I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
