Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
