I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
