I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
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Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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