I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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