I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
