if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
