I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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