he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
