Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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