Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
