I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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