I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
