I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
