The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
