dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Sorry my hands just texted you
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
