What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
