just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
