I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
