You're my little dorito
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
